


Repentance

by changdori (janie6789)



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 23:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4369301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie6789/pseuds/changdori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changmin does something wrong and he is repentant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Repentance

**Author's Note:**

> TW: drugs, depression, suicide ideation, obscene language

Changmin is exhausted, and he knows Yunho is too. It's been ten years now that they've spent almost half their time in Japan, but he finds that he's still not quite used to it. Yes, they're more or less fluent in the language now and they've made good friends with their staff and dancers, but nevertheless, it isn't quite home, and they're just a tiny bit lonely when they're there.

Yunho doesn't seem to feel the same way. He keeps himself busy in Japan, so busy that it seems he doesn't have time to feel lonely. Between practices, schedules, going out and taking care of Changmin, Yunho tires himself out – but that seems to be it, while Changmin goes into a slight mini-depression every time he's in Japan for too long and spends far too much time in bed.

Coming back to Korea, too, is different for the two of them. Yunho goes for coffee and goes out with his friends almost within the hour; Changmin usually stays at home in bed for a week or so.

This time doesn't seem to be an exception, because as soon as they get home, Yunho makes a few phone calls then comes to find Changmin in the bedroom cheerfully.

"I'm going to go for coffee and then we're going bowling. Wanna come?"

Changmin shakes his head wordlessly.

Seeing how unenergetic he is, Yunho frowns. "Are you okay?"

Changmin nods a tiny bit. "Fine."

Yunho observes Changmin for a moment before leaving, closing and locking the apartment door and leaving the house completely silent.

 

 

Changmin is still in bed when it gets dark. He hasn't eaten for the whole day, and he's just trying to sleep when his phone vibrates. He doesn't look at it for a long time, but when it vibrates again, he finally picks up the phone to read the messages.

They're from Kyuhyun.

 

_Hey_

_Come out_

 

Changmin sighs.

 

_I'm tired_

 

He gets a text back almost immediately. It's nothing but an address. Changmin rolls his eyes.

 

_I'm going to try to sleep_

 

Kyuhyun doesn't listen.

 

_Try to dress nicely_

 

Changmin texts back.

 

_Fuck you_

 

Kyuhyun doesn't respond after that, even though Changmin sees that Kyuhyun read the message.

Changmin curses under his breath, but drags himself out of bed to get dressed.

 

 

Changmin stands at the entrance of the place, and checks the address Kyuhyun sent multiple times. He doesn't quite know if it's the right place – it's so unexpected. It's not a pub or a homey restaurant that they usually go to – this is… this is a club, or something, he doesn't know what's going on.

The building looks run-down from the outside, being situated in a dark alleyway, but when Changmin peeks in, he can tell it's anything but run-down on the inside, to the point where he feels underdressed.

Changmin swallows, checks the address one last time before shoving his phone in his pocket. He takes a deep breath and steps inside. He is standing at the entrance, looking around awkwardly, when a girl in a short red dress, tall and pretty, greets him.

"Mr. Shim?"

Changmin looks at her. "Um… y… yes."

She smiles.

"Mr. Cho already paid for you. I'll bring you in."

Changmin's mind is busy. He has no idea what this place is, and being a celebrity, he knows this is dangerous. He hesitates, but then follows her inside.

It's not really a club, per se – he isn't sure what to call place like this, but there are private rooms with private parties, as far as he can tell. He is led into one room, and as soon as he steps inside, a waft of smoke hits him like a brick wall. He winces, but lets his eyes adjust to the dark and steps inside after her.

And that's when he finally sees Kyuhyun.

He's sitting in a couch with two girls on either side of him. A whiskey bottle sits on the table, and he looks at Changmin, his eyes red and unfocused.

"Changmin, welcome!" Changmin notices that he's slurring, like he does when he's very, very, very drunk. Changmin steps towards him uncertainly when Kyuhyun guffaws in laughter and yells out on the top of his lungs. "It's Max Changmin of TVXQ, ladies!"

Changmin goggles at him as the women giggle. " _Kyuhyun_!" he hisses.

"Calm down and get that stick out of your ass," says Kyuhyun, rolling his eyes. He then brings his hand to his mouth and takes a puff of something between his fingers, and that's when Changmin finally notices.

"Is… Is that… _weed_?"

Kyuhyun laughs and motions one of the girls aside to make room for Changmin on the couch.

"I paid a fucking fortune for this private shit, you know that? Now come and sit the fuck down."

Changmin does, reluctantly.

Kyuhyun turns his head towards Changmin and looks him in the eye, but his eyes are still unfocused.

"Today I show you a new world," he declares. He pours Changmin a glass of whiskey, hand unsteady and spilling half of it outside the glass. Changmin takes it and gulps it down, feeling the strong alcohol burn as it goes down.

Kyuhyun then thrusts a joint in Changmin's hand. Changmin looks around cautiously.

"Trust me, you fucker. I've been here a hundred times before and it's safe here."

"And if it isn't?" demands Changmin, although Kyuhyun is clearly wasted and high as fuck and he won't be getting a good answer.

"Then our careers are over?" Then Kyuhyun fucking laughs.

A girl pours Changmin another glass, and Changmin drinks it.

Kyuhyun lights the joint for Changmin.

Changmin brings the joint to his lips.

_Ah, fuck it._

 

 

He can't stop crying. The tears are pouring down, and he can't even see straight. He's crying so hard that Kyuhyun is flustered.

"Dude… What the fuck, man. Stop."

"Fucking tired," sobs Changmin. "So – fucking… Fuck…"

Changmin looks up and seeing Kyuhyun in front of him, tears spill over once again.

"Fucking missed you," gasps Changmin. Then without thinking, he leans forwards and kisses Kyuhyun full on the mouth. It feels weird, not the same way it feels when he kisses Yunho. Changmin frowns and wipes his mouth while Kyuhyun giggles.

"So tired and it's fucking – fuck – fucking hard," manages Changmin. He takes another puff. He drops the joint on the ashtray. "Fuck…"

Kyuhyun pats him on the head and says something, but Changmin can't quite make it out, because he's crying so hard, and the sounds of his wails drown him out.

The room spins, and he's so tired and miserable.

He closes his eyes, and that's the last thing he can remember.

 

 

It's quiet.

Changmin opens his eyes and realizes that he's on the floor of a place that he's very unfamiliar with. Shocked, he sits up quickly, and that's when his head is pounding, punishing him for the night before.

Night before.

Changmin's eyes burst open.

"Shit," he whispers. "Shit, shit, shit."

The room is still dark save for a small widow in the wall with some orange sunlight coming through, and Changmin looks around himself to find three mostly-empty bottles of whiskey and – oh God – a joint stub on the ashtray. Blood drains from his face and Changmin panics.

If anything, it seems he's the first one up, the girls from the night before also sleeping and his damned friend Cho Kyuhyun sprawled across the couch.

"Fuck," whispers Changmin. He gets to his feet, holding his head and stumbling.

His phone vibrates and he looks at it to see that he has a number of unread messages, all from Yunho.

 

_Changdola, where are you? I'm so worried about you._

 

"Oh my god," whispers Changmin, and headache forgotten, he runs out of the place.

 

 

Changmin feels so, so stupid and he is more scared than ever, so much so that there are cold sweats down his back and he can't think straight.

He barely even remembers how he got home. Instead, he stumbles into their house and heads straight for the bedroom, ignoring Yunho's cheerful, "You're home!"

He's so nervous and scared that he can't even lie down, or change out of his clothes from the night before, and he just paces around the room, hoping that this is all a dream, and wishing that he could turn back time.

"God, please, tell me it's not real," he whispers as hundreds of scenarios pass through his head, and he feels just so stupid, because how could he possibly do this, risk everything, risk his own career, risk Yunho's, risk TVXQ after everything they've gone through? How, how could he have been so dumb?

He doesn't know what to even say to Yunho when he carefully opens to door to say worriedly, "Are you all right, Changmin? Is something wrong?"

Changmin just shakes his head and swallows, but he can't look Yunho in the eye.

"I'll be right back," he manages, and he pushes past Yunho and leaves the apartment.

 

 

It takes a long time for him to regain his senses. He spends a lot of time on the rooftop of his apartment, feeling the cool breeze brush around his face and occasionally having to push back the urge to jump off.

This feels worse because he can't even feel sorry for himself, because he knows it was just him, and his horrible, horrible choices, and he has no one else to blame. He normally knows that a tough situation isn't his fault, and he can hope for everyone to see the truth – but for the first time, he wants to hide from the truth. He wants to hide the truth, not just to his fans but to everyone he knows and doesn't know, and most of all, to Yunho, who will probably be so angry at him that he might never even want to speak with Changmin ever again.

Changmin doesn't quite have the guts to tell Yunho, so he stays by himself for a long time before mustering up the courage and pulling out his phone and writing to Yunho only as the sun starts to set.

 

_Are you home?_

 

He gets a text back almost immediately.

 

_Yeah, babe. Please come home now. Please?_

 

Yunho's loving words gnaw at him even more, but Changmin can't avoid Yunho forever; if there is one person in the world that Changmin can't avoid forever, it's Yunho.

So he makes his way down to their apartment and is about to punch in the password when the door opens, revealing Yunho's smiling face that falls quickly when he sees Changmin's face.

"Are you all right? You look pale and your dark circles –"

"I did something bad," says Changmin, before Yunho can invest more of his emotions into him. "I'm sorry, hyung, I did something bad, I did something so – so bad –"

The tears of repentance come spilling out as Changmin falls to his knees right there in the living room.

"Please forgive me, hyung, I'm so sorry –"

"Changmin," says Yunho, clearly flustered. He tucks his hands under Changmin's arms and tries to bring him to his feet again, but Changmin doesn’t let him.

"Sorry," pleads Changmin, tears still running endlessly down his cheeks. "So sorry –"

"I forgive you, stop this, Changmin, stop –"

"You don't even know what I did," wails Changmin.

"I know you, and I know you're devastated and I know you're sorry, and I know you're never going to do it again, and we're in this together, forever, so what would be the point in not forgiving you? Changmin, calm down and tell me –"

"I smoked pot," coughs out Changmin. His eyes sting already as tears fall onto the floor. "Kyuhyun called me out, and he – anyway, it doesn't even matter, because this is my fault, I – I – hyung –"

Changmin looks up at Yunho's face to catch his shocked face, and Changmin lets out another wail of misery – he let Yunho down, and he's never going to want to talk to Changmin again, he's not going to love him anymore. Changmin would deserve any punishment Yunho would want to give him, and he should be punished for this, he can't believe what he did, and –

"Shhh, Changdol," says Yunho, and his long fingers move over Changmin's cheeks, wiping the tears. "Shhh. The neighbours will hear."

That only makes Changmin cry harder to the point where Changmin thinks he'll faint, but soon, he feels Yunho scoop him up into his arms easily. Changmin hangs onto Yunho's neck, clinging because he may never feel this again. His tears wet the shoulder of Yunho's shirt and Yunho lets him. That makes Changmin cry harder.

Yunho sets Changmin down gently on the couch. "Give me a second, okay?" he says, then he walks away from the living room, leaving Changmin alone on the couch.

Changmin doesn't stop crying, babbling a string of incomprehensible words, calling for Yunho. He's slid off the couch and is on the floor again when Yunho returns with a glass of water.

"Oh, Changdol," whispers Yunho. He sits down next to Changmin on the floor and kisses the corner of Changmin's mouth. "Don't cry. Please don't cry."

He holds the water to Changmin's lips. Changmin shakes his head – he certainly doesn't deserve water, especially when Jung Yunho is the one giving it to him.

"No," gasps Changmin, pushing Yunho's hand away. Yunho doesn't let him though, and holds Changmin in his arm and the water to his lips until he finally gives in and drinks. He's trembling a bit in Yunho's embrace though, and he's still sobbing after he finishes the water.

"Oh, you silly thing," says Yunho. Changmin coughs out another sob, and Yunho kisses the corner of Changmin's mouth. "Now stop crying. Please."

Changmin bites his lip and tries to control his breaths. Yunho holds him in his arms, running his big, warm hand up and down Changmin's back and squeezing Changmin's chest so close to his own that there is no longer any room for hiccups. Yunho kisses the top of Changmin's head when Changmin finally quiets down.

"I'm so sorry, Changmin," says Yunho, and tears threaten to spring to Changmin's eyes again. "I love you, and I'm so sorry…"

"Wh-What?" says Changmin. "You should hate me, and there's nothing you should be sorry for –"

"I know how you get after Japan and I left you alone," says Yunho, sounding pained. "I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve that, and I should have known better."

Changmin sniffles. "No, it's my fault, and –"

"It doesn't matter whose fault it is," says Yunho, tightening his grip on the younger. "What's done is done, and I know this will never happen again. It doesn't matter."

Changmin hangs his head in shame, but Yunho gently places a hand under his chin and lifts it up. "It doesn't matter."

Changmin feels hot tears run down his face again as he leans in and gives Yunho a short, watery kiss.

"You should hate me," whispers Changmin. Tears cling to his eyelashes as he finally looks up into Yunho's eyes.

"I could never hate you," says Yunho seriously. "Never."

Changmin lets out a breath. "You forgive me?"

"I already have," says Yunho. He chuckles. "Changmin, I love you, and there's nothing you could do that would make me hate you."

Tears fall again as Changmin clings to Yunho's shirt. "I'm so sorry," whispers Changmin.

"Don't be sorry."

"But I'm sorry anyway."

"I know," says Yunho. He kisses Changmin again. "I'm just saying you don't have to be. Now forget about everything. We can think about it when we have to."

Changmin lets out a tired sigh, and Yunho looks up, worried again. "Tired?"

Changmin nods.

"Let's get you to bed," says Yunho. He kisses Changmin again, and this time, Changmin kisses him back.

"Love you," whispers Changmin timidly after hey part.

Yunho smiles and wipes the last of Changmin's tears from his face.

"I love you too, baby."


End file.
